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"Trustworthy"Written By: Mookie
Disclaimer: I don't really need to be Captain Obvious here, do I? No ownership, no money being made. Written for fun, not profit. Pairing: Trowa Barton and Quatre Winner Challenge: Trowa Barton/1000 "friends and
lovers" Word count: 1,149 Rating: PG13 Warnings: vaguely implied shonen ai, crudely proofread,
first person POV
I shouldn’t have, but I did, despite all the alarms
going off in my head, despite the voice of a much younger soldier
screaming at me, asking me what I thought I was doing. I’d been
a fool before, and I was loath to repeat a mistake that could prove
fatal. I followed Quatre and his army back to their base, an
ostentatiously laid out arrangement that was as far as I could imagine
from a military stronghold. In those elegant corridors were rooms
much like one would expect. A large dining hall, a music room, bedrooms
to rival Heavyarms in size. It was the music room where it happened. That’s
where the warrior who’d surrendered to me, who refused my own
surrender, transformed into a talented musician, a youth seemingly
free of the weights of our actions. That was the boy who’d later
called out to me as I departed, and whose voice haunted me not long
after when we met up again. When Heero and I went up against Quatre, we were helpless
at preventing him from destroying that colony. I knew then the extent
of the damage that single act would cause – not to the world,
but to a single man. Neither Heero nor I were then familiar with the
ZERO system, but I knew that the person in that cockpit existed. I’d
seen him both in and out of battle and I knew that such a mind, no,
such a heart, was stronger than whatever grip of dementia held him.
I could not in good conscience let Heero wipe out one of the few truly
kind people I’d met no more than I could self detonate my Gundam
when Catherine had shed a few tears. If she could save a life such as mine, how could I not
do everything in my power to spare Quatre’s? I’m not a martyr and I’ve never pretended
to be one. My actions are guided by experience and expectations for
their outcome. I expected to die that day when I intercepted the blast
from the Mercurius. When I’d drifted out there, alone, I’d
often wished I had, more times than I can count. If there’s a
hell, I’m sure it can’t be far off. It was one time in my
life I’d do anything possible to avoid repeating. It is not uncommon for amnesia to follow a traumatic
experience, and I’ll admit now I feel that I was weak for succumbing
to that defense mechanism myself. When I saw Quatre again, I recognized
him, even though I wasn’t quite ready to accept the circumstances
surrounding our shared past. Because of my rather embarrassing reaction
to his appearance, Catherine still holds a bit of a grudge against
him, the way she does with Heero, but she understands. At least, she
understands as much as someone in her position can. You can choose
your friends but not your family – only in my case, I’ve
done both, even if those I consider to be either did the choosing
first. Catherine is one of those rare people I’d consider
both. It was Quatre's voice that got me through my own ill-fated
run-in with ZERO. Looking back, I think we all needed to pilot Wing
Zero, to experience for ourselves what it was like, to feel the rush
and the unrelenting grip of a system that could drive someone like
Quatre Winner to the lengths it had. I sometimes wonder if anyone else could have broken
through the mental paralysis that ZERO’s visions had caused.
It’s possible, even probable, that, like the others, I’d
have accomplished that on my own. I’m glad I didn’t have to. The same voice
that had sent shivers down my spine when he’d shown up at the
circus was the calming influence I needed that day. Whether it was
ZERO or Quatre or just my psyche ready to open the doors that had
been slammed shut in my mind is something I’ll never know, but
I regained my memory that day. You don’t know what you’ve got until it’s
gone, and that’s more true than anyone can imagine until they’ve
lived it. All the pain that went with remembering – it was worth
it, even the breathless panic as I relived those days I spent adrift
in space. I realize now that it was a physical manifestation of how
I’d spent most of my life. Alone. I should rephrase that. I’ve always been alone,
even in a crowd, and it’s never been a problem. I’ve seen
the same thing in Wufei and Heero, although their aloofness is as
different as night and day. No, being alone isn’t what I lived
for what seemed an eternity. It was the achingly cold loneliness. It took another year, a battle in which I saw very little
of him, to realize how much he meant to me. Quatre, Duo, and I said
farewell to our Gundams, one last time. There would be no racing against
time to save them from a trip to the center of the sun – a plan
that I knew Quatre could pull off. I think we all felt the tug at
our hearts, seeing our mobile suits explode, but under the circumstances,
it hurt a little bit less, knowing that we’d shared more than
a touch of sadness. I returned to the circus, and to Catherine, and for
the first time in a long time, my life resembled something that most
people would call normal. The soldier had retired, and I was happy
and content. I never should have trusted him. The year after the Barton uprising, I got a Christmas
card from him, and the thoughts and feelings I’d long thought
were the product of the times we’d been living in came to the
surface. Heero could probably tell you the same thing. A soldier
retires, but he never dies. He stays in the background, analyzing,
predicting, watching, until it’s time to strike. I fingered the shuttle ticket in my hand. I couldn’t
help wondering what a warrior by circumstance was up to now that peace
reigned throughout the colonies. My flight was called and I got to
my feet, getting in line with the other domestic travelers. At the entrance to Gate 4, I handed the ticket to the
attendant. I hadn’t realized I was smiling until she smiled back. There were precious few people in my life who could
be considered both friends and family. It was time to add one more person to that very short list. ~ * ~
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